the organized part...

14-8-09

Alright, so I intended on making this blog more of a recount of my adventures, but I thought I’d let you in on my thoughts for this one. . .

We’ve reached new levels of ridiculousness here at the Martin’s house. I’m at the point where I literally just ignore Helena when she treats me like she has been. She catches on quick though…and tries even harder to get under my skin. Ha. At first, it was working. Now, I’ve got the upper hand in that she doesn’t win any attention from me for it…….or help, or candy, or fun.

I struggle sometimes with whether or not I should stick it out here or to go home. Part of me wants to take advantage of the fact that I’m able to travel and see the world right now because I’m young, single, jobless. The other part of me is ready to settle into a place, get a dog….be closer to home again. I wonder if that part is there because I’m missing everyone…or just missing my independence. I know it’s both but, no offense to anyone…however I’m pretty sure it’s more of the latter that is really getting to me.

I used to think that I would be giving up on something if I moved on from it earlier than I expected. But, I’m starting to see that learning to move on from something is an important lesson in life. There will be times when I’ll need to move on from places, jobs (ah…hem), institutions (St. Francis), and even people. I have a hard time with all of them. I hate feeling like a quitter. And when it comes to moving on from people, that element of loss runs a lot deeper. But I think there comes a point when it’s more about following your gut feelings about something, and of course taking care of your whole self: body, heart and mind.

My days here have been so up and down. Should I do just three months? Or more? This decision consequently affects how my travels will play out after too. And although I still don’t know the way all this will play out, I’ve decided on something finally. I think what will suit me best is to work here for the initially agreed upon 3 months, then travel up north after. I will need to extend my visa now…which pains me to say that I’ll have to give up going to Carnival this upcoming year. I guess I am ok with having that be the thing I come back for.

I’m feeling good about this decision and now I have steps to take to get it all in order. I’m going to first plan a trip to Rio, then get an appointment made for my visa renewal (I will need to coincide these two) and then pack it up and go north at the beginning of October. Next, I’ll have to set a date for my trip home from Buenos Aires, and of course set out the route for getting down there.

Here are the variables of my plan: Depending on how things go up north, I may try to stay and find side jobs to make friends….and somewhere really cheap to live. I’m going to take in as much as I can…learn as much of the language, the people and the culture. I’ll even try researching a potential career path in tourism, economic development or micro-financing. Or, I’ll make my goals a little simpler, like learning to dance the samba or practice capoeira. For now, I’m going to make my last month and half here with this family productive and enjoyable. I actually just made some friends tonight at a running shop who invited me to a samba show tomorrow night! Maybe I'll end up even missing this place.....?

As rough as it is with Helena these past few days, things have been going great with the other two. Laura is super sweet and helps out all the time. Her infectious and very loud laugh is definitely something I’m going to miss. That and her crazy little ideas she has. She’s very thorough with the things she does. At first, it seemed like she took forever to do everthing. But, life’s simple as a four year old. What does how fast she does something matter really? Nothing, except that she’s going to be in bed five minutes earlier, or have more time playing in the sand. Ha. I like to call her my little monkey (macaco) girl. She climbs on everything! . A typical scenario on our way home from the park is with Laura on my shoulders and Olivia in my arms. : ) She actually has pretty good body control for a four year old…….but it’s insane how clumsy she is too. I’m always dodging a flying elbow or knee. My shins will show that I don’t always get out of the way. I think she just likes falling to be honest, because every time she hits the floor, she breaks out with this cackle. Haha. She could entertain herself for hours. Olivia is even running up to me and burying her head in my legs now too. She’s not crying when I take her from her mom or grandma as much and even Laura said that she thinks she likes me now too. It just took some getting used to me I think. It’s unfortunate Helena is so volatile.

Michelle was right, I am learning a lot here (aka parenting techniques, portuguese) and a lot about myself. For one, I know that I’ve become a person who always tries to see the positive in things. Granted, I’m not excessively positive I don’t think…or unrealistic……just optimistic about things not being all that bad. Plus, for everything there’s a reason right? Because where we are or who we’re with or what we’re doing will end up teaching us something. So, we shouldn’t regret, resent or think negatively about any decision we’ve made or some rough time we’ve been through in the past. Positive or negative. Everything we go through makes us who we are. And how can we be negative about who we are today? That’s no way to be.

As great of a quality this may sound like it could be, it can be one of my greatest faults too. As I was saying before, I’ve got to learn when to walk away: when to acknowledge those negative feelings I can’t seem to suppress in my day to day. And then…..figure out their source. Yeah, sometimes, it’s a mental thing…and I need to look at myself first before I blame the outside factors. Looking back, life has been hinting at this lesson for a while now…but I think I may be getting better at deciphering between the two.

I knew this time in Brasil was going to be a ‘quiet’ time for me. The last year has been a whirlwind of socially packed, great new experiences. This time to get back to me...and look at where I’m at and where I’m going....has been just what I needed.

Here’s a little funny for ya….. ; )…..which I read the morning after writing this entry.

Capricorn Horiscope for 8-15-09

You aren't one to let your feelings get in the way of what you are doing, but blind optimism can lead you down a dead-end street now if you're not careful. Fortunately, you can negate unrealistic expectations by digging in and applying yourself diligently to your chores. Not only will you be able to accomplish a good deal, but you'll also be left with a more positive outlook on your life.